Dear Me,
It’s me, the healthy, whole part of us. I just wanted to write to you and let you know that I’m here. I know you can't always hear me, I know it often seems like I’m not here in the room with you because the voice of trauma, the voice of the eating disorder, the voices of the anxiety and terror, or the voices of those that have hurt us in the past are so much louder than me and at the moment they seem to take up all of the space, but please know that I am always here even when you can't see, hear or feel me.
Please know that I am here routing for you, I have got your back and I know that we have this. I know you feel really lost right now and we have hit so many rock bottoms you’re not sure how we will ever get out of this darkness and into the light. But I know we can, I know we have totally got this and no battle is too great because you do not face it alone, I have your back. In your deepest lows, when you feel so very lost, I’m still here, I’m still fighting for you. When your feel like you barely hold on, I will still be here holding on to you. I will keep us afloat even in the stormiest seas. Please know that at the times you feel like I’m not there because you can’t feel or hear me, it’s not because you have lost me it’s because I’m down in the depths of the darkness fighting battles to keep us going, to move us towards freedom, to grow the strength of our own light. I’m doing so much work down here in the darkness to heal us, to pick up all the pieces, dust them off and put them back together. Please know that it might take us a bit of time, but we have totally got this. Yep I’m going to say it again, we have totally got this. I’m going to keep telling you it because I know you find it impossible to believe it right now but it’s the truth, we have got this. I’m working away in the background laying the foundations so that we together can build the life you have always dreamed of. I know you at times you have felt not even deserving to dream but anything is possible, the world really is full of possibility for us. I promise it is all possible. It’s possible for us to be free and happy and filled with joy. We have the most amazing light and gifts to share with the world just by being us, but that’s the whole beautiful, messy, clever, funny, healed version of us. Not this mask or false front we have tried to keep up for way to long, because that’s not truly us, that’s just hiding and masking all we have to offer.
I know it’s so hard and so very terrifying at times, I know it’s a real struggle right now but please know that it’s going to be so worth it. Please know that all the hell you have been through will one day be behind you. I know you’re so tired of the battles that are happening inside your head, but please know that I’m fighting right there alongside you, you are never in this alone. I need you to stay strong and keep going, when you feel exhausted and like you can’t possibly go on, then rest, there is nothing wrong with resting it lets us gather your strength ready to go again but please don’t give up. I need you to keep fighting, to keep going, because every time you choose to not listen or lean into the darkness this gives me the fight and power to get stronger, louder and brighter. I know the other voices that live up here with me are too loud right now, I know they scream so very loud at you that you can’t always hear me and you feel really under threat, but know I’m up here keeping your light safe for you, I’m up here fighting all the darkness with you. Please know that even though there louder than me right now that doesn’t mean they know you better, or that they speak the truth. They speak from a place of pain and fear, and as they were created through pain and fear they can only spread more pain and more fear. They would like to keep you trapped inside the cage of pain that they were born out of because that is how they are able to survive. And yes they did helped us survive, when we were under attack we needed there know how and skillsets to help us make it, to escape, to get us through. But were not under attack anymore, I know it sometimes feels likes it but were not, were safe now, I promise you we are safe and you will be safe with me. We have so much potential to let out into the world but you just need to trust in me that we can do it and that we have got this. So I’m hear and I’m fighting, if we can work together to heal the pain they were born out of then we will have so much space up here to plant, to grow, to flourish and to bloom. We can then share all of us with the world as a wonderful healed whole, because you and me together as a combined whole, will be an incredible force of kindness, compassion and love to be reckoned with. You have the light within you to fight all the shadows, we just have been taught to hide all those parts of us away, giving all our power to the darkness until it feels like it consumes you entirely. But I am still here and I hold the light that is within us, just like there is light within everyone, I’ve been keeping it safe for you. But it’s time to let it shine, to let you shine. Some people might close their eyes and turn away but that is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. Looking upon someone else’s light can feel threatening because it highlights the darkness each of us might be protecting within ourselves. But this is no reason for us to extinguish our own light just to let them feel better or brighter. Let us instead embrace all of us, heal all of us, show up as all of us and those that want to be whole will show up for us and stand alongside us on their own journey.
Right now we have our amazing therapist helping us, holding and shining some light up here in the darkness alongside me. There is nothing wrong with needing help, there is nothing wrong with asking for support, there is nothing wrong with needing someone to hold our hand and stand in our corner and rooting for us when we feel so very alone and scared. I have hold of our light, but it’s a little small and dim right now due to the power of the darkness and the depths we are lost in it, but it’s here and it has the power to shine so bright. We are here fighting for it, fighting to strengthen it but with the added light that Helen brings into the darkness, it boosts me and that boosts you. By letting her in and letting her give you shelter, rest and love, this allows me to hold our light a little higher, let it shine a little brighter down here in the depths of the darkness, and that helps fight any shadows that are living down here with me. One day, were going to win these battles through and through, and the light I hold for you will burn so bright it can never be extinguished again. We might walk through pain and difficulty from time to time after that but because you and I will be untied and carry our own magnificent flame no gust will be able to blow us over or blow out the light within, because we will always have each other and the strong foundations we are building.
I know you don’t know right now what love can truly be or what it feels like to have all parts of you loved because no one’s ever done this for you. But I’m here, loving all of you, pouring all the love, care and healing I have into all of you, into all the pain, all the broken pieces and all the trauma. We are doing all we can together to make repairs to what has been done to us and what we have been through in the past. You have done your best all your life to get through, to be enough and still never felt good enough. But I’m here to show you that you have always been enough just as you are. To remind you that I am always here and I love you entirely and one day when we are one and the battles are done, you will know how greatly and deeply you can feel love for yourself and that I have felt for you all along. One day this love is going to spill out of us and help to keep us safe and burning bright but it will also be so great that we will share it with all who meet us just because it will flow through and out of us just in being who we are.
So I just wanted to send you this to say keep fighting, even when it feels too much, or feels false or not worth it, because I promise you I’m here and I’m fighting for you with all we have got. I promise with all that we are, we have got this. One day when you and I are one and the light within burns so bright it will reach into all the corners of your life and mind, the shadow's won’t be able to rule you anymore, they won’t seem as fighting and the light will become what we know. So keep going, rest when you need to, but keep moving forwards, because we are not done yet, there is so much good that is still left in store for us. We have a whole wonderful life waiting for us to step out into and live it.
I’m filling you with so much love and care. Keep going.
Lots of love,
Me!
Xx
